A while ago, I wrote an entry about the 10 signs for “slow driver ahead.” While not the most popular thing I’ve ever scribbled, it was nonetheless a favorite of a co-worker whose SMP codename is Skipper. Skipper and Mr. Skipper live in the hinterlands outside of Raleigh, NC, and they both know what it’s like to get stuck behind a pokey driver.
After that entry, I really started to examine every bumper sticker on the cars in front of me, always trying to find more signs of bad or mentally inept drivers. But, there are so many bad drivers, and it’s so damn hard to be perfect all the time (which is really a separate issue, but it sorta had to be said here), it got to be an immense task.
[A sidenote about bumper stickers. I've never understood why people need to advertise their political beliefs, their children's accomplishments, the number and order of children in the family, what type of sports their kids play, etc. If anything, the people behind you probably don't care a whit about any of those things. They just want you to move along so they can get off the damn road. If you heart chihuahuas, then good for you. What bumper stickers and decals do for me, in fact, is the opposite of their intended effect. If somebody is sporting a sticker for a platform, organization or ideology that I don't support, I will believe that they're driving worse than they probably are. Here's a good example... in February 2009, I got behind a Hummer H2 with these bumper stickers. "Drill, baby, drill" and "Impeach Obama." Now, to have the second bumper sticker within a month of inauguration... that's just bold. The first one, plus the size of the car, just pissed me off from an economic and ecological standpoint. After they pulled out in front of me in a 45 mph zone and did 35 for a half-mile before turning off in front of me, I had screamed myself hoarse. Wasn't proud of it, though.]
OK, rant over. Since I’m always studying bumper stickers, I’ve started to catalog a few that aren’t necessarily signs of bad drivers… but are just completely confusing. The best example recently was a decal on the back of a Jeep Wranger that said, “Jesus didn’t tap.” I read it several times just to make sure I wasn’t misreading it – after all, it was early in the a.m. on the way to work. But no, the guy in front of me wanted to know that at some point, Jesus didn’t tap. But what did that mean?
I came up with three options:
- Jesus does not support, participate in or endorse tap dancing. Perhaps it’s some connotation between the performing arts and the gay community. I dunno, but you can bet Jerry Falwell would agree.
- It’s Jesus in the Anglo pronunciation, but Jesus used as a first name. So, “Hey-seuss” may have been some sort of Mexican wrestler who refused to give in. OK, less plausible.
- Jesus didn’t tap out while on the cross, or maybe throughout his life. The cross part doesn’t make sense, because, you know, he was hung by his hands and feet, and tapping the mat would have been pretty difficult. The second part… maybe I get it. Maybe.
Turns out, a quick Google search told me that the third option is right. The phrase comes from is “a Christian brand of mixed martial arts (MMA) clothing.” Wow. I’ll just let that sink in for a few minutes. Because when you think of two guys pummeling the crap out of each other to the delight of a frothing mass of fight fans, I’m assuming they’re also thinking one thing and one thing only: WWJD.
